Shopping on Bridge Road
28th December 2003
(This is an article from a previous website)
So, with the post-Christmas sales on and not having gone shopping for proper girl stuff for a while, I decided to splurge out on Bridge Road, in girl mode. Initially, I was thinking of going on Saturday, but I woke up late and that threw the whole plan out the window, so Sunday it was.
The day started around 7am, had breakfast, washed up, then went out to Safeway to get some milk and bread (just in case I was going to spend the whole day as a girl, I needed the supplies). I had been thinking of how to best deal with my long hair (wig). As usual, I took my example from the real girls and decided to be practical and tie it up in ponytails in some way. So I also picked up some hair elastics at Safeway.
Got home, shaved, did everything I normally do, finished my makeup (which I think was commendably soft and subtle), and went to get a drink of water. Being the silly thing I am, I tried the "drink without touching our lips trick", except I don't know it very well. So I splashed water all over my lower face and lips and smeared my makeup. S**t. Normally getting a bit of water on my face is alright, but this was too much.
I looked at myself in the mirror. OMG, I look like a mess. So I had to try to patch it up. 'Went through the whole cycle again, but it still looked ghastly, particularly, the upper lip area was all messed up (and that's the most critical area for me). So I took some light-coloured eyeshadow to lighten the area. Hmm... this brush is a bit small, better switch to a larger one. Except the larger one had dark eyeshadow remnants and I forgot to wipe it clean first. After two strokes, my upper lip area was even darker. Who needs beard shadow? I'm making my own. Double s**t.
So I get really really annoyed at myself. First for splashing water, second for panicking and making it worse. After more layers of beard concealer, normal concealer, foundation, powder, eyeshadow, more powder, I get it to a reasonable enough state (still worse than the original) where I think "F**k it, just go". I wasn't going to look any better, and I sure wasn't going to miss out on my shopping day. So I do.
Interlude: The previous day, I was thinking about roles and how people can get really nervous doing certain kinds of stuff for themselves when they'd be okay doing it for others. Ever wonder why it's easier to ask a girl's phone number on behalf of a friend than to ask it for yourself? Every wonder why it's easier to navigate fashion shops if you're buying a present than buying for yourself? I figured it might have to do with roles and (perceived) legitimacy. It's easier if you are playing a role, even if it's just a role of doing a favour for a friend. So I reckon, if I can treat the whole situation as a girl going shopping, then I won't have to be as nervous and scared shitless as I normally get. I just have to convince myself I'm playing a role, like I'm acting. Then I don't have to think about it anymore, and I'll just do it. Thinking makes my nervousness grow. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it. Pondering just makes it worse.
So, with this hopefully useful trick of mentally separating me from the situation, I drive out to Bridge Road at around 11am.
First stop, Portmans. On previous occasions, Portmans has a lot of really cool stuff at cheap prices. But ever since the change of seasons from summer to winter, I haven't found this to be the case. Portmans was sort of empty (heck, the whole street was sort of empty. It's Sunday, after all), and all I found to try on that was cheap were two halter neck tops. One I was going to get, the other I wasn't, but since I can try it on, why not? There's so many things I don't even consider buying because I don't know how they might look. Now I get a chance to try and see. Yep, one top works, the other sort of doesn't, but I'm not getting it anyway, so I don't care. Looked around Portmans a second time, but don't see anything cheap enough to be of interest. I get just the one top. Slightly disappointed, but oh well.
And then I had to venture back out into the sun, but I was already gaining in confidence. And what would I do otherwise? Freak out and run back to my car? Refuse to leave Portmans until sundown? Unlikely.
Interlude: It was bright and sunny all day, and I found this idea of trying to walk in the shade where I can. I know my beard shadow is much more noticeable in bright sunlight (nothing beats sunlight for highlighting imperfect makeup). Plus, by keeping an eye on where the shadows fall, I could occasionally turn my face slightly to maximise the shade falling on it, or so I hope I was doing.
Went into one or two stores further down the street, then into one of my favourite chains: New Attitude/Look Melbourne. I had bought stuff there in boy mode a couple of times before, and I recognised the shop assistant. She saw me come in and she was very friendly, doing the usual "How are you?" thing that many shops do. She's always been friendly when I shop there as a boy. In between looking at racks, I ask her:
Me: "Do you recognise me?"
Her: "No"
Me: "I've bought stuff here before, but as a boy"
Her: "Oh yeah, now that you mention it. Yeah, I think I remember you"
Cool!
And then some random snippets of chitchat (possibly in wrong order):
Her: "You look gorgeous"
Me: "Thank you"
Her: "You've got a nice figure"
Me: "I have no hips though"
Her: "Many girls must be jealous of you"
Me: "Nah, I need bigget assets" (bounce my breasts with my hands a bit)
Her: (Rolls her eyes slightly) "I need bigger ones too . . . . Actually, it's good to have small ones, some girls with big breasts can't wear low cut tops because they need to wear a bra" (paraphrased).
Me: I just smile back, not knowing what to say.
So I pick out some things to try and head to the dressing rooms. New Attitude doesn't have mirrors in its dressing cubicles. This has always inconvenienced me when I was trying stuff in boy mode. This time it's not as bad. I'll just have to check myself out in the mirrow outside. No problem, I'm playing a role, remember? It's not me, I'm just acting. Well, it was a bit nervous at first, but after a couple of times, I could see (via the mirror) that no one was paying any untoward attention to me at all. So what was a scarier situation actually boosted my confidence somewhat. There was once when trying on a skirt that the shop assistant saw and volunteered "That's cute", and I replied "Thank you" with a smile. And then another time I shuffled out (barefoot) to get a smaller size skirt while wearing one that was obviously a size too large for me. No glances from anyone. Cool!
So, I had a marvelous time in there. Bought a denim skirt and two black tops, and headed back out to the oh-so-bright sunlight.
Interlude: At this point, I started to form the opinion that people weren't looking twice at me at all. Even the middle-aged asian tourists ladies with their kids weren't looking at me. Granted, I tended to look straight ahead (sort of continually scanning the situation), so maybe I was wrong, but if so, then ignorance is bliss. But I guess everyone was minding their own business.
Some more shops on Bridge Road. Notably Landes and Table 8. Get a bit disppointed because I didn't find anything I liked in them. Went into Look Melbourne (which is essentially the same as New Attitude), and found a nice lacy slinky black top which I somehow saw in the earlier shop but dismissed. Awwwwwwwesome.
Headed back out. Time to consider moving my car (2hr parking). People still weren't looking at me, even when I'm out in full sunlight. This is amazing. Go into Cotton On. It had a big "Nothing over $10" sign. Rightly so, I didn't see anything worth more than $10.
Go into InStore Clothing, which is another of my favourite shops, if a bit pricey. Found a really nice ultra-feminine lime coloured see-through top with dangling bits at the front. Get that too. Did I mention the shop assistant was friendly? There all were.
Go into Bardot. Find a short black skirt for $10. Try it on. Argh. Too indecently short. Oh well.
So, money was running out, and I had to contemplate the decision of moving car or going home. Actually, I still had money to spend, but I'm very conscious of overspending. Plus, it was all going so well, perhaps I should save some money for a second trip another time.
Since I was fitting in with no problem, confidence was good and I was on a high. I knew my beard shadow was now noticeable at close quarters (I had seen so in a dressing cubicle), but I didn't see anyone staring (or I was just blind). So, I thought "F**k it, I'm going to walk the whole of Bridge Road".
Went to move my car, and then walked the entire circuit of Bridge Road (but just the fashion shopping strip), entering random stores along the way. Near the end, I stopped going into stores because I was tired, my feet were hurting from the heels, and I was conscious of beard shadow growing on me. But I finished the tour first before getting into my car and going home.
Interlude: As an ancipatory measure, I always had the thought spinning in my head "If anyone . . . , they can go get f**ked". Similarly, I had the phrase "F**k off creep" and "I can probably fit better into a dress than you" on the tip of my tongue. As it turned out, I didn't have to use either of them.
In hindsight, Sunday was a great day to go, because it wasn't that busy. I like doing shopping early anyway (less people), and I don't have to get up as early for Sunday shopping as Saturday. All in all, I had a great time. It was a great experience and I learned much from it. I got clothes which I know I don't have to return because they all fit, and having done so once, I can always go back again.
Interlude: The Human Resources manager at my company says I'm an INTP (Myer-Briggs type indicator) - Introverted iNtuition Thinking Perception. INTP's have an internal logic system that informs what they do or think, and if the outside world doesn't agree with the internal model, the outside world can go get stuffed. I think that just about sums up my viewpoint.
Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it.
Ta,
Cassie